These
past 16 months have been a surreal journey. Time is a healer,
of course, but it also means it's that long since I've seen Renee
- so it's a bit of a double-edged sword. A month after Renee died,
I was invited to participate in a group show at the gallery
where I work. It was at that point that I started painting
the cactus series, which all fall under one heading, "Honoring
Life's Forms". Painting has saved my life, my heart,
and my soul. I paint almost every day. I am so grateful for the
opportunity and support. Not long ago, I realized how important
painting is to me, and the tears just swelled. Really, where would
I be without it? It has become my best friend in many ways. When
I paint, I have time to clear my mind, and go into deep thought.
I think about Renee and her life loops through my mind like a
continual movie. It is a way I can still be with her. Before I
started painting this series in the fall of '05, I would come
home from work somewhat paralyzed. I didn't know what to do with
myself. I would hit the couch, and was unable to move. So, when
the gallery owner proposed I participate in the show, it was a
very good thing for me to do. It gave me purpose, and focus. I
am forever grateful to Todd, for it has changed my life, and helped
me survive. I needed it, though I didn't realize it at the time.
The paintings are about so much more than they appear. They represent
life. And, over time, they evolve, which I am always amazed at...
where does it come from and why. I feel strongly that it is a
gift from God, and from Spirit.
Grief
is a journey, and finding focus during this time is so important.
There is something about the process of painting, that is a form
of meditation. It allows focus, and brings a stillness. Renee
was an incredible artist, and when she was involved in the creative
process, her true talents would shine. She was my best teacher.
She was so creative, even from a very early age it was evident.
Not long before she died, we were painting together. She was working
on a self portrait for an art class. The assignment was to paint
yourself as the opposite sex. I was struggling with a painting
of a building. Of course, I would struggle, and she would just
let go! She was so quick when she painted, and so free with expression,
and she was soooooooo good. I remember realizing at that moment,
what a gift it was to be painting together. I relished in the
time together that afternoon - a mother and daughter, sharing
their dreams. I learned so much from her. Now when I paint, I
try to remember what she taught me,,,just let go, be free, and
run with your creative process.
I
keep painting, and I can't imagine my life without it now. It's
the way I work through the grief, as it allows me the time I
need to think about Renee. Someday I'll get to see her again,
and in the meantime, I know she is with me, and she is with
all those who knew and loved her.
~
Jane
The
painting above, 'Desert Spirit Guide', is the latest in my cactus
series. I'm not exactly sure why it appeared in the series, but
it has, with much magic. For the Native Americans, the coyote
represents the trickster, who learns his lessons after the facts.
The coyote is also the survival animal of the desert, who manuevers
through the barren land with determination. When he and his pack
find their food, they rejoice in a song that is chilling. I see
the coyote as a great spirit, and maybe I understand why he has
become such a universal symbol of the southwest.
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