Letter to a person lost in the world of drugs....

Dear One,

I've never met you, but I feel such a strong desire to share my story with you.

My daughter, Renee, died on August 13, 2005 of a drug overdose. She was in Albuquerque with her friend. He feel asleep, and she died in the bathroom.

Renee's birthday is approaching. She would have been 24 on November 26th. They always say the hardest thing in the world is to loose your child, and I would have to agree.

I don't think Renee realized how her death would so deeply affect so many. Like you, Renee has a family who love her. Her brother, Richard, is 26. Richard is married and has a daughter, Raina. Renee didn't have any children, but she was an aunt. Raina was one and a half when Renee died. I'm sure she will never remember her Aunt Renee holding her, but her dad, Richard will always keep the memory of his sister alive.

Richard and Renee were 3 years apart. They grew up playing together, and like siblings, they had their spats. However, they always loved each other dearly. Renee looked up to her brother, and Richard adored his little sister.

When Renee died, I left Madrid the next day, to fly back to Indiana. That's where the funeral had to be - that was Renee's home. Her brother met me at the airport. I think we were both in shock - stunned by what would rock our world forever - little Renee was gone.

I was so proud of Richard that week as we had to plan each day for the funeral. Renee's dad, her Uncle Bill, Richard, and I spent several days making the arrangements, as well. It's such a horrid thing to go through, and yet, all things had to be done. Time isn't an ally in those situations. Richard took the helm, and orchestrated each day for us. Renee would have been so proud of her brother.

Renee's grandparents also live in Indiana and they adored Renee. Their hearts were broken, and yet they tried to stand strong, as they saw their own children going through the unthinkable. Because the family always lived nearby, there were 20 years of memories about Renee - Christmas, birthdays, ball games, Barbie dolls, puppy dogs, and more. To them, it seemed like only yesterday when Bob and I called them with the news that they had a little granddaughter, and she was just beautiful.

I'm not sure how I made it through that week, but I managed to keep it together. Shock is nature's way of protecting us during extreme times, and I'm sure that's what kept me going. The night of the showing at the funeral home, I literally didn't feel my feet touch the ground. I felt formless, and just drifted through talking, hugging, and crying.

The loss not only affected the family, but all of Renee's friends. They never expected to loose such a sweetheart. When they came in to offer their condolences, I just hugged them... I wanted to comfort them, ease their pain, and tell them it would all be ok. Like a mother, my heart was breaking for these friends of Renee's, too. Some of them had been friends since preschool, through grade school, and through high school graduation. I hear from some of them now and then, even still. It is so special when they send me an email, or write a letter. Funny, they all say the same thing - Renee was their best friend, and made an enormous impact on their life. I don't know if Renee realized how important she was to so many. They miss her.

Have you ever seen the Christmas movie, "It's a Wonderful Life"? It's an old movie, but such a great classic. In the movie, George Bailey is shown by an angel what the world would be like without him. Renee and I watched that movie together. Now we live our lives without her. I wish this were a movie, and I could turn it off, and Renee would be on the couch laughing, with those most beautiful eyes. But this isn't a movie - this is real, and Renee isn't with us anymore.

I'm not really sure why Renee overdosed - intentional or not, the result is the same. She left behind so many broken hearts, and a family that lives through the loss each day, and each moment. My life will never be the same... she was my little baby... Now, each day, Renee's life is my movie, and I see it over and over. My heart aches. I cry. I feel incredible sadness, and not just for me, but for all of her family. I grieve for them as well. Time is surreal, but somehow I keep on going. It's not the same, though, and never will be. I know that if Renee knew that her actions that night in Albuquerque would break so many hearts, she would have made a different choice.

Each life is so precious, and so interconnected with so many. What we do affects all those around us, and more. I hope that if you have an addiction, you can reach out to someone who can help you. Your life is precious, and you are loved by your family and friends. Life would never be the same without you. Please, open your heart, and reach out. If you are feeling depressed, if you are using drugs, or if you are thinking of ending your life - please - ask for help. If you are feeling down, remember that life is an ebb and flow, and change inevitably comes. Life is that way,,,it just never stays the same. Allow time to do it's thing. And, please, ask for help.

The world lost an incredible person when Renee left us. She had wanted to continue in college and get a degree to teach art. She was the most creative, talented artist I have ever known. It makes me sad that she can't explore all of those possiblities that would have come her way. It was one instant, one choice, that changed it all.

I pray for you during these tough times. I know you can find your way and life will become what you want.

Love,
Renee's Mom